I crave company in which I can be myself.
There was a long while where I didn't feel safe to rest in my own skin in the presence of others.
The school system for one. I felt held in a state of alert, ready for the next demand, either academically or socially. Finding safety in my shyness and danger in my words. Often there were no words. So many years of confusion.
Or later in early parenting groups; easier to keep quiet than to share my different approach. Even in the Home Education scene, and with family; keep quiet and don't speak of personal struggles which may be too shocking, unwelcome, dull. Stick to the pleasantries, paint a pretty picture, (a Facebook picture).
This misaligned living was sucking the life out of me. I had no voice through fear of rejection and exclusion. I even remember having a locked jaw once where I could not speak at all until after a really good scream.
The NVC community brought my voice back to me. It offered space where I was welcomed to speak freely from my heart. I was welcomed in my wholeness. All of my feelings. Such a profoundly liberating experience!
The freedom to finally express myself safely for the first time. The freedom to be me. Perhaps more incrementally. Layer upon layer of armor dropped away. I lost my firey protective anger. I learned to accept and value myself. I found a place where each of our unique perspective is free to be shared and heard with compassionate understanding.
I stopped having dreams about having to hide from scary officials in dark caverns, or nice smiley people who fed me meals through a loft hatch, so I survived but couldn't escape.
I found NVC in 2016 and have learned to be myself through the power of authentic communication to myself and to others within an intentional community. My husband experienced a similar coming home through joining the 'Shift Bristol' community. The both of us together at PACE, our home-ed community.
I have since completed a certificate in Community Organising and learned theory and practice of building strong community, where building connection and trust are at the heart. It can take time, it can also happen quickly. Something to do with level of personal investment. Does it matter enough to invest my time, money and energy? What is the meaning of this for me? How will it enrich me? Is it worth the investment?
In my experience, the more I invest emotionally, the more I get back. Recognising where the energy is to ride on that wave, works best if we balance our energies both physically in the action we take, and energetically in how we bring our heart to it. Both the masculine doing, and feminine being.
Whenever I'm with my NVC or PACE community now, if feels restful and satisfying. It fills my cup, helps me recalibrate. I deepen into myself in the company of those of which I am known.
Through sharing stories, perspectives, empathy, song, dance, play, creativity, food, tea, tears and laughter, I have been able to express heartily a healthy range of emotions, loosing my flatness and fear.
I even remember the sensation of stepping out of an old skin no longer serving me. Fresh, new and eager to live life as myself.
After that I attracted the friends I now adore with all my heart and for the first time since loosing my school friends (through differing lifestyle choices), I feel like I am truly loved and valued as my whole self, warts 'n' all!
I wholeheartedly believe that the act of investing in community was the catalyst for my arrival home within myself. I saw it happen to my husband too.
The richness of interactions provides such valuable opportunity for challenge and growth. Through experiential learning of community building via NVC, PACE, Community Organisers and Nature Facilitation, I have learned the importance of creating a safe space in which to do this and facilitation methods that foster depth and trust.
One thing I learned about myself is that I flow with more ease when in nature. I feel grounded, held and free all at once!
I also learned that the discomfort of stepping out of my comfort zone can be eased through sharing celebration, movement, dance, song, creativity, empathy, tears and laughter. Things that release. And more importantly, things that are shared in the company of others.
Honestly, the power of group healing and growth really does astound me!
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