This week I’ve been reminded of the blessings given to us by our womb when ripe for a bleed. How suddenly and often very intensely we are given the opportunity to connect to our deepest desires.
When most of the month we are able to keep it all under wraps, suppress our needs and wants, in favour of caring for others. Keeping busy. Masking what’s underneath.
Culturally we have been encouraged to brush off the rising of strong emotions premenstrually. Discarding them as of no consequence, as though they don’t exist at any other time. An irrational brain blip caused by hormones that must be ignored.
Is this really true?
I don’t think so.
The premenstrual phase can be a vulnerable time, with more negative thoughts, less pleasant feelings and harsh reactions. Embarrassing even. Shameful. Regretful. Perhaps best forgotten. Blame the hormones. It’s not me. It’ll pass.
This week I have had some interesting insights.
I’ve been housesitting a small holding with pregnant nanny goats, chickens and chicks, ducks and ducklings, dog and cat. The first 3 days were just me and my children age 10 and 13, whilst my husband stayed home to work and support our 16 year old through his last week of GCSEs. With my husband absent, (and he’s the one usually on it with the domestic duties), plus having the animals and children, I had a lot more to manage than I usually do. However, it’s spacious here, secluded in the green of the countryside, abundant in nature and close to what I would define as paradise! My daughter loves the responsibility of the animals, especially the ducklings, and my son has access to a ping pong table which he loves. I should be enjoying it right? …hmm ‘should’.
This rang alarm bells for me on our first day here. ‘I should be enjoying this,’ but in fact I was feeling hassled. At least I was for about the first 24hrs. I tried to put it down to the challenge of new tasks, but this didn’t really seem to fit the bill as it’s all pretty straight forward stuff. It was only once the 24hrs of tension, short temper and feeling of it ‘all being too much’ had passed that I looked at the calendar and kicked myself, (again), for not realising that our arrival coincided with my one and only day of PMT.
What I’d really needed was solitude and ease. And luckily I was in the place where I could get it. I didn’t know why I was feeling overwhelmed, fed-up and miserable, but I did know I needed space to be on my own. Thank you NVC! We don’t always need to know why we need something, just what we need, and how to get it. So rather than snapping at my daughter for shocking me by banging on the ping pong table, I was able to run off to the trampoline and jump it out, reground myself with some sun salutations on the grass and run to the top of the hill to get a wider perspective. Lots of fresh air to breathe, space for freedom and nature to immerse myself in.
I get just one day of PMT five days before I’m due to bleed. It’s just one day so I’ve not felt the need to do anything. Well, other than keeping track on the calendar and trying to create a day of ease and solitude if I can. At least in the knowledge that this is going on for me so I can avoid the self-criticism for my short temper and lack of patience. However, I frequently forget I get periods. Despite them coming every month without fail.
The very next day my ‘everything is too much’ feeling had completely passed. And indeed everything really had been too much; as in completing tasks to care for others when I needed to care for myself, or even better, have someone to care for me. I’d needed ease and solitude for just that one day, but of course this couldn’t happen, so I found pockets of it whenever I could and this worked well.
What I noticed in retrospect was that, previous to that PMT day, I’d been struggling to engage in a 30 day challenge of a women’s group I’m part of. The challenge involved recognising negative self-talk, then rather than allowing the brain to support that space, directing it back into a more energising zone by re-connecting to at least 7 joyous things in the moment. My struggle was that days passed where I couldn’t pick up on any negative self-talk. I was already in the fun zone.
So it came as a bit of a shock to be suddenly experiencing my own string of complaints for almost every task during the day, a strategy that effectively masks my own inner criticisms. When I actually did give focus to what was underneath, it was indeed a string of negative self-talk. Not always there, in fact rarely there, but it made me wonder if this was an undercurrent from which I was functioning in my day to day life and if it could be holding me back in some way.
I could blame the intense emotions of the day on my hormones and brush them off as insignificant and short-lived. However, I’m curious now. Curious as to whether there is any truth into what arose. Curious about whether I can gain any valuable insights.
Whether the inner wisdom of my womb was guiding me to recognise aspects of my life that I am dissatisfied with, but choose to ignore in favour of an easy life, (reasonable choice), or under the belief that it nothing can be done. I’m curious about whether there is anything in there that came up that would benefit from being attended to, rather that re-forgotten. Anything that I would like to attend to.
So what did come up for me?
What came up was that everything felt like too much. I’m not enjoying our home-education days, (Mon-Wed), I’m missing my friends, not accessing support, allowing myself to be too isolated, not being pro-active enough, experiencing compassion exhaustion, holding the emotional wellbeing of the family, with no-one to hold me.
When I look at all of that from my usual brain positive zone, I can see they it all felt like a rising crescendo on my PMT day. These things, admittedly are true, but on a scale of 0-10, (with 0 being no issue at all, to 10 being an extremely strong issue), I’d say that for 27 days of my menstrual cycle these issues rate a 2-3 for me. Whereas on the PMT day there are moments where they can feel at an overwhelming intensity of 10.
I could brush these issue off, however, I’m not sure that would be wise.
I think they do run through as a mild undercurrent most of the time. With a potential to grow and consume me if ignored. Like an unattended garden which allows nettles and brambles to encroach, making a rich ecosystem of life hard to express in its fullness.
So what shall I do? What are my options?
If my PMT was more than just a day, I’d treat it with herbal medicine. Both symptomatically and more deeply to rebalance the hormones. However, herbs should never mask necessary lifestyle changes. They are best used as a supportive measure whilst efforts are being directed towards more life-enriching choices and habits. Thereby avoiding a continuance, progression or regression back into the state of imbalance and struggle.
This reminds me of why health coaching is so important and a big part of my herbal medicine practice. With coaching we are able to more easily and more rapidly move from a place of dissatisfaction, dysfunction and imbalance to greater harmony and enjoyment in life.
One huge insight for me this week was how familiar my inner and outer struggles were on the day of PMT. This was from spending my first decade of my parenting life feeling exhausted, isolated, and alone, holding the emotional wellbeing of my family, with no-one holding me.
I would like to coach women like me who have found themselves in a similar position and want to find a way forward.
I am a highly sensitive person able to attune easily to the feelings of others. I can hear, acknowledge and hold what comes up with complete acceptance, highly valuing the unique individual before me. I trust that we all have the inner wisdom necessary to thrive in life and I aim to help you to access this and align to action that feels right for you.
It is so easy to ignore our needs and desires by keeping busy. Allowing no time to acknowledge the undercurrent of dissatisfaction. Convincing ourselves that nothing can be done anyway, so we might as well focus on the good things in life. This is one strategy. It works well enough.
What about if we could have both? Celebrate the good things in life AND address the dissatisfaction.
What if you were to prioritise your needs?
What if you were honest with yourself about what you want?
What if you were to accept coaching?
If you knew that in 3mths things would be different, what would those things be? What is it that you’d really love more of?
These words back my decision to enjoy the benefit of working with a coach myself.
And I am curious to see where it takes me!
Get in touch if you would like to explore health coaching with the support of herbal medicine.
Perhaps some of my story resonated or compels you to take action.
Let’s get curious!
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